One fine day, I wanted to write some angst-y Wolfstar and wonder yet again why I write these things!*siiigh*!
Disclaimer: All characters and names belong to J.K Rowling of course.
Summary:So he dreams of a warm Remus because this Remus was never going to be his. Angst.
Sirius strode across the grounds determinedly, his hair swaying behind, eyes pinned on the two prefects who were surrounded by a fortress of books, parchment and all other things suited for a table in the library rather than the illuminated green grass. A peal of laughter escaped the red-haired being who Sirius found was rather adept at taking his friends away from him; not Peter yet but again he didn't really count all that much. Now that was a rude line of thinking he realised but he was just honest that way and his honesty gave rise to the admission that yes, he was in fact very much infatuated with Remus, his friend; had been for a while.
"Ahhh, skiving Divination now, are we?" He drawled in his best imitation of the Blacks and leaned against the tree under which the other two were settled. Remus craned his head up in his direction, the skin around his eyes still crinkled in genuine laughter and Sirius's gaze bore into his until the werewolf's normally-polite look was back, that action in itself somehow hitting deep down in the Animagus's chest.
No matter that his jealousy wasn't exactly rational. James would give him a disbelieving shake of head and a distraction in the form of prank-planning, sure that Sirius was finally succumbing to the depths of the Black insanity imagining things that were not there. Remus would just deny all of his claims. For all anyone could see, the Marauders were perfectly fine, their dynamics unchanged and Sirius couldn't help but wonder why he was the only one exempt these days from Remus's touches in any form, even the slight brushes or pats unless he was desperate enough to transform to Padfoot on days Remus was feeling particularly generous.
"It's hardly any of your business." Lily replied severely and Sirius could see the red outlining her eyes. Had she been crying? Jamie's flower-baby Evans was crying? However he ignored it with little difficulty.
"But Evans, it is when one of your best mates, a prefect at that is the one doing the skiving." At this he glanced at Remus questioningly who returned a dry smile before addressing the red-head who looked ready with another heated reply.
"It's about time Divination ended anyway, Lily." He told her with a look at her watch, "And unlike Binns, Slughorn probably would notice the absence of his star-pupil." Lily gave a watery laugh at that and began gathering up her things when Sirius too joined in to both the prefects' surprise which the Black noticed and shrugged.
"I just want you gone as fast as possible, Evans." He responded getting a glare and a Potions textbook snatched from his hands. Fine. He leaned back against the tree and stretched his legs in front in a relaxed manner. If she couldn't appreciate his help, not his loss.
"I'll see you later, Remus." She said standing up and Remus was about to do the same but she indicated that there was no need to and he remained sitting but smiled at her.
"No, you won't." Sirius muttered under his breath and wanted to roll his eyes but at the same time couldn't help the slight fondness at Remus's ever-courteous conduct where girls were concerned.
Remus settled back, his hands finding an up-turned The Three Musketeers on the grass beside him and for a minute Sirius let him read on as he looked around bored then openly taking in his sight of Remus in his scarred, scholarly glory. Remus could skip classes for Evans, with her and read some useless book without any remote guilt and yet… he realised that Remus had noticed his eyes on him as he stilled.
"Well, what is it?" Remus asked in that hateful controlled tone he seemed to have taken up these days; this only agitated the Animagus further.
"You've never done that before." Sirius stated calmly and when Remus turned to look at him questioningly, he elaborated, "Ditching class even if it's History of Magic. You never, not even once did that before." He was quite surprised at his own composure despite the frustration churning and threatening to explode out of him.
"No, I haven't." Remus confirmed and looked back at his book again, "Guess there's a first time for everything. Is that a problem? Considering your affinity for such things, I would have thought you would be happier." Sirius felt some kind of inner monster rearing up its head. Yes, yes, it was all fine.
"It is." He replied, "Or at least it would be if you were joining your friends instead of a girl." Merlin's pants! He even sounded jealous. Remus however seemed to take it differently as his knuckles whitened around his book.
"Lily is a friend, Padfoot." He told him and Sirius scoffed in response.
"Oh, please. I meant a real friend, alright." He let his mouth run off; knowing that he would soon end up saying something regretful and they would stop talking once again but for now riling up Remus was the only way they ever seemed to come into any sort of proper contact, "Like Prongs. Tail. And ME!" Sirius knew it was a mistake to raise his voice by the end as soon as Remus slammed his book shut and glared at him.
"You're not the only friends I have, thank you very much, Sirius." Remus stuffed his book with preciseness into his bag and Sirius knew he should explain himself but somehow could not find the right words to do so. It was not that Remus couldn't have friends, he was possibly the friendliest human he had ever some across, he deserved all the friends in the world…just not Lily, not a beautiful young girl who could very well take one more friend away from him.
Because Lily was beautiful, even at their age. Enough to catch any straight boy's attention and that included Remus; Sirius knew he could appreciate her as a female and a person both. Remus had told him of his short-lived crush back during Second Year.
"Remus." Sirius called out as trepidation enveloped him when Remus stood up, ready to leave him behind. Remus ignored him and he found his hand moving of its own accord as it took hold of the werewolf's wrist firmly, "Don't leave, we still have time." He didn't know if he meant that in the simple sense or perhaps he wanted to tell his friend that there was still time to mend their friendship, he did not; he wished he understood his own feelings. His intense feelings that threatened to devour him at times, feelings that made him want to reach out and hold Remus tight, so tight that he would never have to let go. It was scary to even think of.
"Please, Sirius." Remus was angry, that was not good, "You are my friend, a real friend, but so is Lily. And you are the only ones. Why do you always have to make things so troublesome for me?" Sirius looked into his eyes.
"Why her?" He decided to just dive into the center of the matter, consequences be damned but Remus was frowning, "Why her, and not me? Why couldn't you have cut class with me?" Remus let out a disbelieving noise.
"That's what you're-you're so-" Remus looked outraged, "God, what the hell is wrong with you?" He snatched his hand away and Sirius shot up, standing and ready now.
"Remus. Moony, look here. Just listen to me, will you? Damn it!" He almost stomped his foot to get his point across; it was about spending time with him-his best friend, it was about doing something different and fun and special with Sirius, not Lily. Why could he not see that?
"Why? Why, Sirius?" Remus shook his head, "I don't understand you, you go on about being a real friend but all you're doing right now is being a real arse. I mean it." Sirius held himself back from retaliating and instead focused on what he really wanted to say. I want to kiss you, can I? Not that one, certainly not.
"You…you've stopped talking to me." He held up his hand as Remus looked ready to protest, "You don't spend time with me anymore. Alone. You could have come with me; you know I would have agreed. So why Evans?" He couldn't help asking and stared straight into his eyes, this time asking for an honest answer. Remus looked away, biting his lower lip that drew Sirius's attention to it. His own lips parted in response and he raised his hand.
"Don't do that." He whispered as he grazed a shaky thumb across the lip and rested his trembling hand along his jaw. It clenched under his touch and he wanted to shake some sense into the werewolf, tell him that they could be good, that being with another boy was not a problem. He could lie and make proclamations and promises that would probably be broken. Sooner rather than later because he was not really confused about his feelings, he knew that; it was the easiest excuse he made to himself.
And Remus would hate him for that; not the part about being more than friends, but the lying. So he let Remus lean backwards and away from his touch, letting his hand fall at his side without a fight.
"That's why, Sirius." Remus answered him softly but firmly. That hurt. Sirius clenched his teeth and looked away, staring hard at the lake as Remus walked past him on the way to the castle. He let out a shallow breath and closed his eyes before his fist made a satisfying thunk as it came into contact with the tree beside him.
He looked down at the scraped knuckles and wondered why he hurt himself this way.
He sighed in his sleep as he felt warm lips touch his and that was all the noise he made outwardly. He felt soft hair in the fist of his hand, and warm skin and wiry muscles. He heard soft moans and vibrant chuckles. He felt warm kisses across his body. He felt wanted.
This Remus was warm and laughing and loving. This Remus never hurt him. This Remus was a dream.-Fin-